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Monday, March 1, 2010

MotherClare

Blog #1. So many thoughts that run through my brain day in, day out, washing dishes, playing snap, washing clothes, tidying rooms....time to put them onto paper, or a computer screen, hopefully touch typing will come easier with time.
I'm the mother of one, a boy, he's 3 and nothing like me. It seems the blood that runs through his veins is almost purely his Fathers, they look the same, act the same & seem to think the same. If it wasn't for my sons slightly sensitive side (slightly? he cried after preschool today when he accidently took the wrong hat?How do I parent that? "Toughen up champ?","Don't worry be happy?", " Whats wrong with you thats not your fucking hat, give it back!") I'd have trouble believing he was mine.
Despite our differences I love him, I'd die for him, I'll protect him & nurture him for as long as he'll let me...and yet within the space of an hour I want to walk away from him throwing a hissy fit in public, walk away & leave him to work his own shit out. Is 3 too young to work your own shit out?
I want to grab his shoulders & shake him and say 'just fucking say hello to someone when they speak to you, just fucking wave at them, respond, do something, don't just ignore them, don't scowl at them. He does this every morning I take him to preschool, scowls at the teachers as they happily say good morning....i'm not ashamed of him, in fact I'm very proud of him it's just that I don't understand where he's coming from sometimes, I don't know why he reacts in certain ways. Its unfamiliar to me and worlds away from how I am, in fact I take pleasure in greeting everyone, shop assistants, people in the street, any stranger will do....maybe he's rebelling already? Maybe I embarrass him, already?! There is a high probability of that happening, I just didn't think it would happen so soon.

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