Damn it.

I lost my job today.
Ouch.
It actually hurts to write it, it's hard to make these words flow.
Nothing dramatic. No huge mistake, no bitter feud, no problems...
Just a reshuffle of who goes where. There are so many people in detention that they need all the rooms they can, to squeeze all the people into.
So the boys I have been caring for are moving to another centre and where I currently work will become some kind of transit centre where families stay for a few weeks before transferring to the next place. Meaning my 5 days a week 9-2 shift is debunked. All over red rover. Gone.
There is certainly more work for me as a support worker. Sadly this work is what one might call shift work. Start times are either 7am or 3pm. You can imagine how terrifically they fit into a school Mum's life. So fuckingbullshitbumbumfuckthis. I'm out. I'm not happy. My manager isn't happy. I'm a bloody valuable asset to my company. Just not a 9-2 one.
It couldn't have happened at a better time for 2 reasons. Number 1 is the slight problem of my positive diagnosis for Ross River Virus. I know, I know - it can last for ages and intermittently pop up throughout the rest of my life. I know. Especially because thats what people tell me, everytime I tell them I'm RRV Positive. It's fucking depressing. Worse though, is the joint pain, that starts in the bottom of my feet & travels all the way to my spectacular Mama hips. It aches, it causes me to walk like an old lady and that it has become my normal is quite sad.
This will be a big journey, but I'm ready for it.
The number 2 reason I have to be grateful for bowing out of the ever fluidly changing world of immigration is that times are getting tough. Nobody seems to know what will happen, least of all the people running the show. So my role as a support worker is going to get harder and more stressful and possibly very depressing. Certainly for the clients and more than likely for the workers. So maybe it's a good time to get out. Before the going gets too tough.
But damn it I was good at it. I loved it. I really care about what happens to those kids.
Damn it Damn it Damn it.

Now to spend a day with my family, the best remedy of all when my spirit is laid flat. I am continually reminded that when days are dark, I still have so much to be grateful, and thankful, for.

My Resurrection

I'd like to say I got through my week at home with the kids relatively unscathed....but I didn't.
Saturday morning I felt off, sore muscles and very painful joints. I had been to the Chiropractor for the first time in about 18 months and he had mentioned that I may feel a bit sore the next day. I sure did!
Monday I was no worse, asides from walking like an invalid when I woke up in the morning - my legs were stiff, my feet hurt to touch the ground, my ankles slightly swollen, but after a few stretches & walkabouts I was okay. Besides - I was taking the kids camping on Tuesday night with some other amazing/crazy Mums and it was super exciting & there was a ridiculous amount of organising to do. Oh the pressure of packing a car and taking your kids bush for 2 days. A lesser woman might have cracked, me - I just ate a lot of chips and ignored the yelling.
Once we were on our way it was fantastic. Maggie fell asleep 20 minutes into the 2 hour drive and Leo is one of those magnificent children who can stare out a car window and be perfectly content. Mama here thought it was a perfect time to pull out my old Tori Amos albums and boy did she sing us to Litchfield or what.

i’ve been looking for a savior in these dirty streets

looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
i’ve been raising up my hands drive another nail in
got enough GUILT to start my own religion

(crucify)

but what if i’m a mermaid
in these jeans of his with her name still on it
hey but i don’t care
cause sometimes i said
sometimes i hear my voice
i hear my voice

(silent all these years)

Seriously, she really spoke to me when I was a teenager. It was really powerful to listen and sing and remember who I was back then, how much music meant to me and my identity.

So camping was fanastic. A great group of Mums, a couple of Dads, heaps of kids and my crowning glory - setting up &; taking down a 3 person tent myself. High fives, thank you. Not to mention the 500 metre walk to the top of a waterfall that was extremely tough, especially considering Ms Maggie was by my side and on my hip for the entire duration. (sidenote - she walked/climbed almost half of it - I've never been prouder. That kid is something else - just have to direct her powers into positive endevours...)

However I woke up the next morning after a fitful sleep, with a very itchy arm. That soon progressed to 2 itchy arms, stomach, thighs, legs, feet. I was covered in red welts and felt as though I may possibly implode in agony. Fortunately someone had a hayfever tablet that settled me for a time, I bathed in the thermal pool & cranked the cars airconditioner and headed for home.

The kindly pharmacist assisted me with some adult phenergan for night and claratyne for day. I was dead on my feet by 5pm, asleep soon after. The next day I felt dreadful, still covered in welts & like I could sleep for a year. Those of you who have children will understand this was, in a word, impossible. I took Maggie to daycare & Leo got to hang with his strange looking Mum for the day.

I know, beauty is only skin deep.

I googled my symptoms, not a terrific idea. Auto Immune disorders here we come. Went to the Docs, he found my rash fantastic, which was quite nice. He prescribed me a slow release pain killer for the joint pain and got a nurse to take about 6 vials of my lovely blood. Hello mosquito borne viruses.

The various drugs kicked in and I started to feel slightly human again. I slept again that night for about 14 hours, probably twice what I usually do! The next day I dosed up, again I felt better. Thank you legal pharmaceuticals, I love your work.

2 days on I am completely off all pharmaceuticals and feeling much better. The rash has disappeared, I'm slightly tired but that's normal. 7 days on I'm terrific - feeling healthy has never felt so good, or valued.  I will call for my blood test results (fingers crossed they don't call me first...) next week but in the meantime, hallelujah I have been resurrected. Seriously - who has the time to be sick? It sucks. Really wish I'd taken more photos though - my sexy leg shot hardly does my hives justice. 

So I survived, both my children and a mysterious illness. But damn was I happy/grateful/excited to be back at work on Monday.