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Monday, July 19, 2010

Countdown

Four weeks away from giving birth to my second child and it's fair to say I'm a little nervous. I was born a worrier and the thought of a new child to share my love & time with gives me plenty of material with which to worry. What if I don't really like this one? What if I stop liking my other one? It's never a question of love, that is unconditional, it's the day to day operations of being a good person, a good example, a good mother that I worry I can't maintain.
What if this one cries all the time & I don't get enough sleep? I'm a terrible person without enough sleep, terrible. What if it doesn't come out on time (or better yet early) & just grows and grows into a 10 pound monster? I couldn't bear it. I already look like 'I'm about to pop' (as the old ducks like to say) and I don't want to have another big baby, been there done that and I'm not keen to repeat the experience.
Initially I told myself I make big babies because I eat so well & I'm rather 'big boned' myself, I've since come to find that generally you have a big baby if you eat too much food. That was hard to work out. Story of my life. Eat less and you might lose that excess weight that so bothers you....but who wants to be hungry? I really like feeling full after a meal, it's comforting.
Now I come to find I'm making my own children fat, the shame, the shame. If only my mother in law wasn't so thin, and my partner so capable of sustaining himself on 2 meals a day. Imagine only 2 meals a day, it almost makes me sad for him.
It's been too long since I last blogged & I'm going slightly mad waiting for a baby to come. Next week would be great. I've entered that stage where when people ask how I am I think it's a trick question, what are they trying to say? Paranoia, maybe, but any glow I once had has turned into a sullen simmer. 'Not long to go now love?' they ask, everytime they serve me in the supermarket. "no no, hopefully soon' I smile politely & give too much information out to a perfect stranger.
Whats worse- lumbering around for another 4 weeks waiting to meet my baby, or having the baby early & theres no turning back, not to mention the possibility of a mother in law coming to stay and help....but thats a whole nother blog.

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