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Monday, August 23, 2010

Once bitten

My dog bit a man today. He was an old man, with brittle skin, hence the reason he bled so easily when she nipped him below the knee. He was riding his bike past, she was on the leash, but unfortunately my step Dad didn't have a tight enough hold on the leash and she had room to move, to leap, to jump on the poor old guy and make him bleed.
I feel sick about it, uneasy, worried. My Mother has already started carrying on about not trusting the dog around kids and if shes done it once she will do it again, perhaps someone who lives out bush could take her. Initially I felt frustrated with Don, thinking in some way it was his fault and it never would have happened if I'd been walking her, not worrying about how big a shock he received, particularly when the old man started hurling obscenities at him and circling him trying to get a hold of the dog. So now I can add guilt to my list of emotions.
What is so sad and difficult for me is my lack of control in so many areas at the moment. I knew that I was needed for the oh so important job of milk producer and baby pacifier and I was happy to commit to that, I was accepting that this was who I had to be for the first few months of my helpless babies life.
What I didn't expect was to lose some of the relationships I've spent so long cultivating, namely with my dog and so sadly with my son. I'd read about what can happen, dogs start acting up and she has been proving that to a tee, pulling washing off the line, jumping up on people, barking at nothing. But biting a stranger on a bike is serious, it's a problem, it CAN'T happen again. It's going to involve some long discussions and possibly some hard decisions.
The relationship break down (I'll be slightly melodramatic about it) with my son is another story, causing my heart to break a little every time he rejects me in favour of someone else, mostly his Nanna or his Dad. I should be happy for them, but I'm not really, I'm seething with jealousy and hurt. Never mind how frustrating I'd find it if he wanted to be with me all the time, I guess I kind of want the best of both worlds. He and I have had this wonderful, intimate relationship where I've had the privilege of being able to treat him almost as an equal, as a grown up, sharing my time and my love with him without question, without a problem. Now I'm expecting him to act adult like and to understand the boundaries that having a new baby bring and it's driving me crazy he won't play the game. And sharing my love around is harder than I thought.
That doesn't make it any easier when he tells me to get away from him, won't let me in the same room with he and Nanna, won't tell me what he did at preschool that day. It really shits me. I know its normal, I know it could be worse, but I feel sad, like I'm kind of grieving for my little boy who doesn't need me as much anymore because he thinks I don't need him so much. If only he knew how much, more than ever, I need my firstborn, my big boy, how much I love him.
That melodramatic enough? Last night I was feeding the baby to sleep, tears pouring down my cheeks as I sat it out alone, in the darkened nursery, silently willing this baby to sleep. In crept my little boy, padded over to me and said 'I'm here Mum, just checking you'. So the tears kept pouring, but they were much happier than before.

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