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Thursday, May 5, 2011

The thoughts come easily, but the answers don't

Been doing alot of thinking. Too much, possibly.
My attempts at Mindfulness are only successful when I'm in the grocery store, surrounded by food and products, immersed in choice.
So much of my day is vacant for thinking. Hanging washing out - I tell my body to suck that tummy in, listen to the neighbourhood noises - what can I hear? I listen, then find myself a minute later having an imaginary conversation with an old friend, or reliving any number of strange incidents that have occurred in my life.
Listening to the neighbourhood is completely forgotten.
My Post Natal Shrink is encouraging me to challenge my negative thoughts. Acknowledge them, then let them go. Become aware of them. Laugh at them. Imagine I was saying them to a friend (but I would never speak that way to a friend...?). Be mindful.
It's fucking hard. I have a well established pattern that has developed into something of an addiction, the more I know I should change it the tighter I hold on, terrified of what's underneath.
It seems a terribly strange concept, embarrassing almost, to actually like myself? Love myself? That used to be a put down when I was at school...'Oh Kelly, she loves herself, pfft'. Yet all around me I'm seeing people I once knew, older, younger, school mates and they all seem to be so together, so pretty, so capable.
I feel like I'm being left behind. Again like I should be more.
I wore makeup today, that wonderful mineral powder that swirls on and leaves one looking almost flawless, or at least one tone. I saw a friend and she complimented me 'Are you wearing powder? It looks great, your skin looks so good'. Which I struggle to take as a compliment, but I think it was one.
I've been reading some great books, a marvellous technique I use to avoid reality.
The Book Thief by Marcus Zusac made me weep, amazed me, touched me.
Currently I'm reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey about an addicts recovery. I can relate, in a way, I'm actually finding it quite addictive...theres a line on page 43 I like -
"..for a brief second I feel strong. Not strong enough to face myself, but strong enough to keep going".
And so we go.

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