This week has been many things, but mostly hot. So hot, this muggy Darwin buildup, that my blood feels thicker, my temper shorter and my head heavier.
It started with a sense of dread that my dear mother was returning from 6 weeks away overseas visiting family. I was worried she would return still in the midst of grief, which the thought of makes me sad, angry, upset. I have spent much of my life knowing a mother who is open with her grief and although in many ways it is good that she knows how to cry, I've felt it as a burden for many years. I've retreated from her since Donno died, scared of the sadness I might witness. It's something that I don't know how to talk to her about, so instead I push her away. 'I'm not your Mother!' I want to scream, runaway, but instead I console, listen, hug. I love her for it and I hate her for it.
I could go on, but for her sake (and my own) I'll leave it there.
Except to say she has come back feeling positive, happy to be in her own home, ready to get back into tutoring, gardening, even church! Having a scientist as a husband for so long meant that attending church fell by the wayside.
So we had a wonderful and reassuring chat on the phone, full of excitement for her Christmas visit, full of family stories from her trip away, I got to tell her things about the children that only Nannas care about! So that's good news.
My daughter's had her hair cut short and looks fantastic. I've put half the weight I lost in 6 weeks back on in a week, I still don't wish to speak about it, but there it is, in words. There are a lot of feelings relating to that, most are of the unhappy variety but I'm trying hard to keep my eyes on the prize and not indulge my negative voice by listening to it. God it's hard. Disappointed is an understatement. Self esteem is hiding under a log, quivering. Chocolate calls to me from the supermarket shelf, like heroin - I can make you feel better, I can make you happy....
Did I mention the wine?
That's enough for a Saturday night. I'm off to turn the aircon on, pour another glass of wine and read a good book. Sweet escapism after a strange week.