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Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Evening Of

Tomorrow I go on my first holiday by myself in 5 years. I'm almost overjoyed at the prospect of boarding a plane....without any children.
All I need is a book and some earphones.
Where I am going is another story. Off to find the Greatness In Me, 4 days of seminar spent...
Peeling my layers off like an onion?
Discovering My True Self, my True Potential?
Releasing my inner demons?

I don't know what it involves, but I'm hoping the end result is what I'm looking for. I'm hoping it makes me a better mother, a better wife. That I learn to trust myself and my decisions, that I become my own best friend rather than my bloody worst enemy. That my somewhat cloudy vision is cleared.
Tonight, the eve of, I find myself feeling various shades of anxious.
I'm concerned those demons might be real, and if I confront them, release them, they might be too strong & will eat me up.
Can I just add here we have been playing a few fantasy xbox games in our house and that imagining could be related ;)
I'm worried I won't like who I discover under those layers.
I never use the onion core when cooking, never.
What if my issues, my problems, my dramas are nothing? What if I have wasted all this time worrying on them when they were actually NOTHING?
I have a feeling this could be true, and it might be a good thing. We shall have to find out.
I'm also concerned my family, who on the one hand I am so pleased get to live without me for a few days, will actually enjoy the experience. What if things go wonderfully while I'm away?
The answer to that should be 'fantastic'! Which it sort of is, but it's also sort of WHAT!?
What if the problem is me?

So I'm terrifically excited, terrified, anxious and happy, all in the one.
I will ache for my children, those 5 mornings I'm away from them, but I will also walk each day at 7.30am barefoot on the beach and I will relish every step of it.
See you on the other side...

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