Follow by Email

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Maintenance

It's been 11 days since I came clean with myself about all the shit I'd been hanging onto.
All that shame - you know I was actually embarrassed of myself? Ashamed of things I had done. Guilty because of them. Self loathing as a result.
What a fucking relief to expel that from my head.
Turns out we all have shit we hold onto. It's never as bad as you've thought it to be.
I was left with a strange sort of emptiness. I'd look in the mirror and instead of seeing ugly I saw....me. I'd reach for thoughts relating to losing weight, being an idiot  or being a failure. I could not find them. They would start and then kind of peter out...They seemed so pointless? Like foreign objects. Completely unnecessary.
I can say with certainty there is little to no value in referring to one's own self, in one's own head, as an idiot, or a failure, or even as a fat pig. You heard it here first.
For the first time as a grown up I felt safe in my own head. I trusted it.
What a fucking relief.
I have to say maintaining that state of being has not been entirely easy. There have been several moments this past week when I have heard the old familiar refrain in my mind of 'you are not good enough'.
I would buy into it, but it was seriously hard work purging those demons out of my head, not to mention the couple of thousand dollars I paid for the privilege....so I acknowledge them and move on.
I can tell you that having a 6 year old refuse to get out of the bath because he isn't allowed to watch Transformers is quite trying. 45 minutes. That's a cold bath. I chose to be impressed with his passion (and no he still didn't get to watch it).
A 2 year old who insists I stay in her bed with her until she falls asleep. By insisting, I mean throwing a bluey, hissy fit, barney, complete wobbly for a continuous length of time if I dare leave the room.
I have chosen to enjoy the serenity of laying next to my precious girl while she falls asleep (god knows she's not going to want me in there in 10 years time).
The never ending responsibilities of being a wife and mother. The at times overwhelming amount that needs to be done. Trying to put myself first isn't easy. However, now that I've minus-ed the guilt from my head, it's a whole lot more rewarding. And possibly that is putting myself first? I'm working on turning that refrain from 'you are not good enough' to just 'You Are Enough'.
What a fucking relief.

2 comments: