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Friday, August 2, 2013

Filling the Silence

I have learnt much about myself this past 2 weeks.
The Ross River (RR) is encouraging me to feel my worst, physically and occasionally mentally.
So far I have not had a single positive conversation about RR.
"How are you Clare? Not at work today?"
"No, nope, having a bit of time off actually."
Awkward Pause.
"Actually I've been diagnosed with RR...."
"Oh no. Oh that can last for ages can't it? Oh my mate had it and he was fucked for months."
"Oh no. I had that in 2000. I was fucked. I couldn't do anything. I needed anti depressants by the end of it. Oh mate. That sucks."
"Awesome!" (The one guy who's answer I appreciated.)
Possibly I should just stop talking about it. Suck it up, press forward and not mention I'm not feeling particularly well.
It's just the thing is.....
This past week has been immense. It hurts to walk, alot of the time. My pace has slowed by almost 50%. I'm really noticing that. I can't hold a good conversation. I feel like a mute. Like my brain is in slow motion.
Let me tell you, I pride myself on the quick retort. The Quip. My savvy wit. My cheerful demeanor.

Well for the past 7 days I've completely lost it. I am not me. I am not making people smile, in fact I am bringing them down with my shit news. RR and I lost my job.
"Yes, your right, it couldn't have happened at a better time."
"Yes I plan to rest."
"Yes isn't it fantastic I will be home more for the kids."
Not really.
One thing I have noticed, is that now I'm quieter, other people are louder. They say more. They fill in the silence. Which, it turns out, is something I have always, unofficially, attended to myself. It's been quite interesting, noticing how much more some of my 'quieter' friends have to say now that I'm holding back. Or should I say being held back by these nasty little RR germs that are traumatising my ankles feet and knee (just the right side).
So in order, this is what I've learnt.
I like to fill silences.
I also like not to fill silences, especially when I'm poorly.
Some people talk shit.
Possibly in my silence filling speak, in the past, I too have spoken shit. Possibly.
Going downstairs takes way longer than going upstairs. Surprising.
It's cool to watch the new Seth Rogan film at the cinemas at 10.30 in the morning. I tell you, me and the other 3 stoned people in that theatre laughed and laughed. 'This is the End'. Terrific.
90 minute massages are infinitely more amazing than 60 minute. It was my birthday this week and I needed a treat. I also like to get out of the house when the washing is piling up, especially when, as per this week, I was feeling poorly. Sadly it wasn't the cash only lady friendly place I've come to enjoy so much, but still, amazing. Just not quite as red cheeked walking out afterwards, but still very satisfied.
I've watched Madmen, Freaks & Geeks and old episodes of Offspring. I've cleaned the occasional cupboard and a couple of mirrors. Being lazy has never felt so right.
Pretty much, in terms of weeks in my life, it's not been great. Living with pain sucks. I'm nervous about this continuing. However, I've survived this week in fairly good spirits and in fact I'm quite pleased with my response to these new 'challenges'. I am a fucking trooper. Just a bit quieter, but that might be nice...





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