Saturday, October 27, 2012

The week that was

This week has been many things, but mostly hot. So hot, this muggy Darwin buildup, that my blood feels thicker, my temper shorter and my head heavier.
It started with a sense of dread that my dear mother was returning from 6 weeks away overseas visiting family. I was worried she would return still in the midst of grief, which the thought of makes me sad, angry, upset. I have spent much of my life knowing a mother who is open with her grief and although in many ways it is good that she knows how to cry, I've felt it as a burden for many years. I've retreated from her since Donno died, scared of the sadness I might witness. It's something that I don't know how to talk to her about, so instead I push her away. 'I'm not your Mother!' I want to scream, runaway, but instead I console, listen, hug. I love her for it and I hate her for it.
I could go on, but for her sake (and my own) I'll leave it there.
Except to say she has come back feeling positive, happy to be in her own home, ready to get back into tutoring, gardening, even church! Having a scientist as a husband for so long meant that attending church fell by the wayside.
So we had a wonderful and reassuring chat on the phone, full of excitement for her Christmas visit, full of family stories from her trip away, I got to tell her things about the children that only Nannas care about! So that's good news.
My daughter's had her hair cut short and looks fantastic. I've put  half the weight I lost in 6 weeks back on in a week, I still don't wish to speak about it, but there it is, in words. There are a lot of feelings relating to that, most are of the unhappy variety but I'm trying hard to keep my eyes on the prize and not indulge my negative voice by listening to it. God it's hard. Disappointed is an understatement. Self esteem is hiding under a log, quivering. Chocolate calls to me from the supermarket shelf, like heroin - I can make you feel better, I can make you happy....
Did I mention the wine?
That's enough for a Saturday night. I'm off to turn the aircon on, pour another glass of wine and read a good book. Sweet escapism after a strange week.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Great Full

These past few weeks I've been taking some time out from my occasionally messy head to reflect on things that I'm grateful for. There are many, yet sometimes they are upside down and just need to be turned around.
One example of this occurred a few weeks ago. I attended my friends Hens Night which was about 30 women, mostly from 'down south', all old friends and family. Some were very nice, some funny and of course a few were a bit dull, but it was nice to be a local and meet new people. One of the old friends was chatting with me and made a comment relating to my having lived in the Territory all my life. 'Have you never lived anywhere else?' she asked me somewhat condescendingly. I replied that I had been to many places, and even spent more than a night in lots of them, but that yes, I had lived almost my whole life in the NT.
When I got home it was playing on my mind. I felt as though this person was taking the piss out of me, judging me to be a bit naive and possibly unworldly because I was from the Territory. Proudly from the Territory. Happy in the Territory. Living a successful and busy life in the Territory. Before I knew it I had gone from feeling a bit flat to feeling like a bit of a champion, because I know who I am and I'm proud to be a Territorian. I'm double proud to have born my children here, because it's a special place and a special breed. My partners father was born in Alice Springs, our blood is here, our history.
I'm extraordinary grateful that I am here.
Another warm fuzzy came during our weekly 'talk' for our 12 week challenge. We were asked to write down the names of the people who we could talk to when we were struggling with things, particularly relating to the challenge. I wrote down 4 names, thinking that would do. When we went around the room, out of the 6 people present, 3 of them had struggled to write down a single persons name. In the end most had written Mum. I felt both sad for them and confused with myself. I have almost a whole handful of people I wouldn't hesitate to talk to if I needed. How lucky am I? Why do I still have so many excuses as to why I'm miserable? Far too many excuses methinks. It was a great reminder of how much I have, how blessed I am.
Speaking of blessed today my gorgeous boy lost his first tooth. My first baby, the first tooth we ever saw grow in him. He then lost it down the sink whilst cleaning it for the tooth fairy, but we have written her a note so fingers crossed he will still get some cash.
My lovely daughter is learning to stomp and stamp and be perfectly 2. She couldn't/wouldn't go to sleep tonight so I sat in with her, holding her close as she cuddled in and fell asleep on me. Such a joy, such a privilege. Such a lovely girl.
Not to mention a frivolous night at bookclub last night with new friends, a fast approaching holiday for 2 days on my own, then 3 days with Josh! Whatever shall we do with ourselves?!
I'm feeling humble and grateful today. Thanks for reading x