In a good way.
I've had a big week where at times it's felt as though I'm deep in a hole and I haven't got the strength or materials to pull me out. I've been letting myself suffer, which is tiring and miserable and if I'm honest - a little pathetic. I haven't been able to drag myself out of it though, just quietly reaching inward instead of outward. I'm not sure if this is a good thing but it's all I can do for now.
So that's been going on and I've been quite emotional. Crying in the car to sad songs emotional. Sometimes the songs aren't even that sad and I'm crying anyway. My saving grace, in many ways, has been my job that I love, that I need and that I am very proud of.
I was asked a few weeks ago if I would like to talk about the program that I coordinate at our organisations Public Meeting. There would be important people there, not just managers but politicians and public figures. I agreed and wrote a 2 page speech that I thought was pretty good and showed it to 2 of my managers who also thought it was pretty good. I practised a few times, tweaked a few bits and felt ready, but also terrified. What if I fucked it up? What if my nerves got the better of me and I embarrassed myself in some way? (I figured I'd either sneeze and some wee would run down my leg or I'd be so shaky it would be excruciating for people to watch).
Meeting is at 11 today. I'm busy visiting a client this morning and am reminded that not only do I love my job but it is making a difference in some people's lives. Still, nervous. I am the last speaker so I sit quietly and try to focus on my breathing - that I can control. Sweaty palms, fast heart, blushing face - these things I can't control but I can be aware of without it bothering me too much.
I speak for about 8 minutes. I remember to look up. I make people laugh a couple of times. I feel calm, proud and important (3 things I'm not sure I've felt for a while!). They love it - afterwards I am introduced to important people, congratulated, praised - it is incredible. I am floating on air.
I've been trying to get better at sitting with my pain, rather than numbing it or avoiding it. Today I try to be comfortable with the joy, the pride that I feel and that I deserve. I allow a huge smile to spread across my face and within my bones and I sit with it. For today.