Tuesday, October 24, 2017

I'm Still Here

So...it's been a while since I last wrote on here.
I've been writing, a lot. Just privately.
Using my words as a means of trying to work my way through all the changes, the worry, the unknown.
And there has been plenty of that.
I'm not going to go into detail here about what's been going on. It's still too raw, too intimate, too private for this space.
Which is not to say I haven't done an enormous amount of talking, crying and even occasionally laughing in the real world. Life does go on despite the chaos around us.
I can't help wonder what is being said, how quickly the rumours have spread, if my life is now fodder for old acquaintances around the dinner table. I try not to care....but of course I do.
I thought grief only came from the death of a person. I was wrong. This past year I have felt a new level of loss, of heartbreak. My feet have slipped out from under me - my own fault for changing my shoes I suppose.
Yet I have also experienced great love, acceptance, kindness. I have been overwhelmed by the compassion that friends, colleagues and family have shown me. I have been surprised by people. I have grown, matured, fallen down and gotten back up. I continue to do so. My children and myself are my priorities and I'm trying to keep my eyes in front and not let the judgement or the hurt pull me down. It's not easy but if I know anything it is that life is short and we are ultimately responsible for ourselves - so for now I just keep breathing and riding the waves. I hope I can continue this blog but it's tricky - how do I write about my life when there is so much I cannot share now? How do I write honestly and openly when to do so could hurt people I care about? I don't know how else to write. Bear with me and thank you for reading xo