Honestly

Bad idea to write when I'm at my lowest...but I've had these thoughts running like a freight train through my scrambled, tired brain for days. So now to distract myself from my baby's tortured cries, screams, wails, I'll write it out and hope that brings some clarity, goodwill, release.

So she's not what I expected. She doesn't do the things I'd like her to do, doesn't act in an easy manner, isn't playing the game the way I envisioned she would. She's 3 weeks old.

I feel like throwing her across the room sometimes. Dropping her in her cot & watching her bounce. Screaming back at her, shaking her, locking her in her room & walking away. Am I brave to write this out? Or am I weak because I think it? Am I depressed? Or am I simply so fucking sleep deprived I want to fall down on the floor and not get back up again?