What a week.
A Job Interview. A panel of 3 and me. Nerves running through me like cocaine, but I manage to pull it off. Said some good stuff, some great stuff and some oh fucking hell what was I thinking stuff.
Not a lot of eye contact as we said our goodbyes and confirmation of a 'thanks for trying but...' came this morning via email.
Screw You Anglicare, you bastards.
Seriously, what a great organisation though. I would have loved to work there.
Assholes.
Anyway, onward and upward.
My friend recommended a Chinese Massage place to me. It's located in Wagaman, next to a take away shop and a corner store. I booked in for a 30 minute session last Tuesday.
Oh good lord.
Best massage ever. Half way through she pulls my knickers down & gives me the greatest back/bottom rub I've ever known. I swear there was nearly a happy ending.
I'll be back.
A group of friends and I have been gathering 2-3 times weekly & exercising. It's fun, hard and motivating. I'm blessed to have good friends & it's lovely to spend quality time productively with them. Eg sweating & laughing ourselves silly.
Finally, re work, I've had an email this morning from my current workplace offering me a position 2 days a week, as a support worker for Unaccompanied Minors in the Detention Centre up here.
I am bloody delighted. I do believe the universe is working with me, or possibly I am working with the universe. Who knows?
Monday, March 4, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
28 Days
So I'm near on 28 days of Greatness and there is much to write about.
I'll start with the sadness. As a teenager, I had a close friend who was beautiful, tall, quiet and kind. I loved her, envied her (she was seriously beautiful) and made some pretty awesome memories with her. When she turned 18 I was still almost 6 months away from 'adulthood', so I found myself spending more time with her younger sister, the gorgeous Kate. Not quite as beautiful as her big sister, but gorgeous, fun and warm. She became my friend.
Over the years I have become quite close with all of Megs family, they are beautiful and kind people. The same time Maggie was born, Kate was diagnosed with a brain tumour, about the same time I started blogging. I started emailing Kate, telling her silly stories of my life as a MILF.
Mother Incredibly Longing Freedom.
We maintained our correspondence, sporadically, and the last I saw of her was at Donno's funeral. She was cheeky, kind, warm and clever. Not to mention beautiful.
She died last week aged 31. It's taken my breathe away. My eyes leak and my heart hurts to write it, to say it, to know it. It seems impossible. Implausible. She was wonderful and she was young. So young.
I went to Melbourne for her funeral. It was sad, and beautiful. I feel a heaviness I didn't expect, a sadness I can't comfort. She was so much, and still she died.
I will remember her forever as a cheeky smile and a twinkling eye. Her Mother held me, after the funeral service, and her strength was enormous, her maternal instinct so huge that she wanted to comfort, which she did. This is being a Mother. For the first time in a long time I was wordless.
As an ode to Kate, I will honour her with 2 completely awkward moments that occurred whilst away. The first was while sharing a hotel room with my Mother, we decided to watch a movie in house. The Kids Are Alright. Spoiler alert. Terrific film, except for the completely excruciating scene where the lesbians are getting down and dirty with one another whilst watching male gay porn. Awkward. Say no more. The second was on my return home, my plane stopped in Alice Springs for 30 minutes. My lovely big brother, the chef, came out to meet me for the stopover. I was showing him some photos on my phone I had of some amazing mexican food (Mama Sita, Collins St? Shit Hot) I had eaten the night before. I was flipping through them happily when we stumbled upon a self portrait of my bottom that I had taken 3 nights earlier, as for reasons only clear to me I had gotten a spray tan (what's the etiquette on funerals & spray tans? Is there one? If so, I was unaware, and goddamn it I wanted to look healthy, and brown, ok?) and after a few drinks with an old friend I had staggered back to my hotel room (sans Mother, she arrived the next day) and taken a few selfies. Including one of my really white bottom. My big brother isn't a huge talker, so he didn't really ask any questions, but it was seriously....awkward.
I still haven't deleted the photo and I'll never be able to delete the memory, nor sadly will he.
I'm not sure how to end this, except to say 28 days is a short month, but much has happened. I've never felt so grateful or blessed with what and who I have. Not to mention I should seriously think about copywriting my MILF acronym, awesome.
I'll start with the sadness. As a teenager, I had a close friend who was beautiful, tall, quiet and kind. I loved her, envied her (she was seriously beautiful) and made some pretty awesome memories with her. When she turned 18 I was still almost 6 months away from 'adulthood', so I found myself spending more time with her younger sister, the gorgeous Kate. Not quite as beautiful as her big sister, but gorgeous, fun and warm. She became my friend.
Over the years I have become quite close with all of Megs family, they are beautiful and kind people. The same time Maggie was born, Kate was diagnosed with a brain tumour, about the same time I started blogging. I started emailing Kate, telling her silly stories of my life as a MILF.
Mother Incredibly Longing Freedom.
We maintained our correspondence, sporadically, and the last I saw of her was at Donno's funeral. She was cheeky, kind, warm and clever. Not to mention beautiful.
She died last week aged 31. It's taken my breathe away. My eyes leak and my heart hurts to write it, to say it, to know it. It seems impossible. Implausible. She was wonderful and she was young. So young.
I went to Melbourne for her funeral. It was sad, and beautiful. I feel a heaviness I didn't expect, a sadness I can't comfort. She was so much, and still she died.
I will remember her forever as a cheeky smile and a twinkling eye. Her Mother held me, after the funeral service, and her strength was enormous, her maternal instinct so huge that she wanted to comfort, which she did. This is being a Mother. For the first time in a long time I was wordless.
As an ode to Kate, I will honour her with 2 completely awkward moments that occurred whilst away. The first was while sharing a hotel room with my Mother, we decided to watch a movie in house. The Kids Are Alright. Spoiler alert. Terrific film, except for the completely excruciating scene where the lesbians are getting down and dirty with one another whilst watching male gay porn. Awkward. Say no more. The second was on my return home, my plane stopped in Alice Springs for 30 minutes. My lovely big brother, the chef, came out to meet me for the stopover. I was showing him some photos on my phone I had of some amazing mexican food (Mama Sita, Collins St? Shit Hot) I had eaten the night before. I was flipping through them happily when we stumbled upon a self portrait of my bottom that I had taken 3 nights earlier, as for reasons only clear to me I had gotten a spray tan (what's the etiquette on funerals & spray tans? Is there one? If so, I was unaware, and goddamn it I wanted to look healthy, and brown, ok?) and after a few drinks with an old friend I had staggered back to my hotel room (sans Mother, she arrived the next day) and taken a few selfies. Including one of my really white bottom. My big brother isn't a huge talker, so he didn't really ask any questions, but it was seriously....awkward.
I still haven't deleted the photo and I'll never be able to delete the memory, nor sadly will he.
I'm not sure how to end this, except to say 28 days is a short month, but much has happened. I've never felt so grateful or blessed with what and who I have. Not to mention I should seriously think about copywriting my MILF acronym, awesome.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Maintenance
It's been 11 days since I came clean with myself about all the shit I'd been hanging onto.
All that shame - you know I was actually embarrassed of myself? Ashamed of things I had done. Guilty because of them. Self loathing as a result.
What a fucking relief to expel that from my head.
Turns out we all have shit we hold onto. It's never as bad as you've thought it to be.
I was left with a strange sort of emptiness. I'd look in the mirror and instead of seeing ugly I saw....me. I'd reach for thoughts relating to losing weight, being an idiot or being a failure. I could not find them. They would start and then kind of peter out...They seemed so pointless? Like foreign objects. Completely unnecessary.
I can say with certainty there is little to no value in referring to one's own self, in one's own head, as an idiot, or a failure, or even as a fat pig. You heard it here first.
For the first time as a grown up I felt safe in my own head. I trusted it.
What a fucking relief.
I have to say maintaining that state of being has not been entirely easy. There have been several moments this past week when I have heard the old familiar refrain in my mind of 'you are not good enough'.
I would buy into it, but it was seriously hard work purging those demons out of my head, not to mention the couple of thousand dollars I paid for the privilege....so I acknowledge them and move on.
I can tell you that having a 6 year old refuse to get out of the bath because he isn't allowed to watch Transformers is quite trying. 45 minutes. That's a cold bath. I chose to be impressed with his passion (and no he still didn't get to watch it).
A 2 year old who insists I stay in her bed with her until she falls asleep. By insisting, I mean throwing a bluey, hissy fit, barney, complete wobbly for a continuous length of time if I dare leave the room.
I have chosen to enjoy the serenity of laying next to my precious girl while she falls asleep (god knows she's not going to want me in there in 10 years time).
The never ending responsibilities of being a wife and mother. The at times overwhelming amount that needs to be done. Trying to put myself first isn't easy. However, now that I've minus-ed the guilt from my head, it's a whole lot more rewarding. And possibly that is putting myself first? I'm working on turning that refrain from 'you are not good enough' to just 'You Are Enough'.
What a fucking relief.
All that shame - you know I was actually embarrassed of myself? Ashamed of things I had done. Guilty because of them. Self loathing as a result.
What a fucking relief to expel that from my head.
Turns out we all have shit we hold onto. It's never as bad as you've thought it to be.
I was left with a strange sort of emptiness. I'd look in the mirror and instead of seeing ugly I saw....me. I'd reach for thoughts relating to losing weight, being an idiot or being a failure. I could not find them. They would start and then kind of peter out...They seemed so pointless? Like foreign objects. Completely unnecessary.
I can say with certainty there is little to no value in referring to one's own self, in one's own head, as an idiot, or a failure, or even as a fat pig. You heard it here first.
For the first time as a grown up I felt safe in my own head. I trusted it.
What a fucking relief.
I have to say maintaining that state of being has not been entirely easy. There have been several moments this past week when I have heard the old familiar refrain in my mind of 'you are not good enough'.
I would buy into it, but it was seriously hard work purging those demons out of my head, not to mention the couple of thousand dollars I paid for the privilege....so I acknowledge them and move on.
I can tell you that having a 6 year old refuse to get out of the bath because he isn't allowed to watch Transformers is quite trying. 45 minutes. That's a cold bath. I chose to be impressed with his passion (and no he still didn't get to watch it).
A 2 year old who insists I stay in her bed with her until she falls asleep. By insisting, I mean throwing a bluey, hissy fit, barney, complete wobbly for a continuous length of time if I dare leave the room.
I have chosen to enjoy the serenity of laying next to my precious girl while she falls asleep (god knows she's not going to want me in there in 10 years time).
The never ending responsibilities of being a wife and mother. The at times overwhelming amount that needs to be done. Trying to put myself first isn't easy. However, now that I've minus-ed the guilt from my head, it's a whole lot more rewarding. And possibly that is putting myself first? I'm working on turning that refrain from 'you are not good enough' to just 'You Are Enough'.
What a fucking relief.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Ahem
Ahem.
No not Amen. Ahem, like I'm sheepishly clearing my throat.
I have completed my 4 day Greatness In You Seminar. There are many things I could say, many stories I could tell. But I won't. All I can say is this.
There is Greatness In Me.
Quite alot actually.
I've managed to free myself of rather alot of "emotional baggage" in these past few days.
It turns out it was all in my head.
Who knew?!
So this post finds me smiling, calm and ready.
Ready for..... whatever.
My main concern now is what on earth will I blog if I don't have all that self pity and angst to fall back on?!
I reckon I'll think of something ;)
No not Amen. Ahem, like I'm sheepishly clearing my throat.
I have completed my 4 day Greatness In You Seminar. There are many things I could say, many stories I could tell. But I won't. All I can say is this.
There is Greatness In Me.
Quite alot actually.
I've managed to free myself of rather alot of "emotional baggage" in these past few days.
It turns out it was all in my head.
Who knew?!
So this post finds me smiling, calm and ready.
Ready for..... whatever.
My main concern now is what on earth will I blog if I don't have all that self pity and angst to fall back on?!
I reckon I'll think of something ;)
Thursday, January 24, 2013
The Evening Of
Tomorrow I go on my first holiday by myself in 5 years. I'm almost overjoyed at the prospect of boarding a plane....without any children.
All I need is a book and some earphones.
Where I am going is another story. Off to find the Greatness In Me, 4 days of seminar spent...
Peeling my layers off like an onion?
Discovering My True Self, my True Potential?
Releasing my inner demons?
I don't know what it involves, but I'm hoping the end result is what I'm looking for. I'm hoping it makes me a better mother, a better wife. That I learn to trust myself and my decisions, that I become my own best friend rather than my bloody worst enemy. That my somewhat cloudy vision is cleared.
Tonight, the eve of, I find myself feeling various shades of anxious.
I'm concerned those demons might be real, and if I confront them, release them, they might be too strong & will eat me up.
Can I just add here we have been playing a few fantasy xbox games in our house and that imagining could be related ;)
I'm worried I won't like who I discover under those layers.
I never use the onion core when cooking, never.
What if my issues, my problems, my dramas are nothing? What if I have wasted all this time worrying on them when they were actually NOTHING?
I have a feeling this could be true, and it might be a good thing. We shall have to find out.
I'm also concerned my family, who on the one hand I am so pleased get to live without me for a few days, will actually enjoy the experience. What if things go wonderfully while I'm away?
The answer to that should be 'fantastic'! Which it sort of is, but it's also sort of WHAT!?
What if the problem is me?
So I'm terrifically excited, terrified, anxious and happy, all in the one.
I will ache for my children, those 5 mornings I'm away from them, but I will also walk each day at 7.30am barefoot on the beach and I will relish every step of it.
See you on the other side...
All I need is a book and some earphones.
Where I am going is another story. Off to find the Greatness In Me, 4 days of seminar spent...
Peeling my layers off like an onion?
Discovering My True Self, my True Potential?
Releasing my inner demons?
I don't know what it involves, but I'm hoping the end result is what I'm looking for. I'm hoping it makes me a better mother, a better wife. That I learn to trust myself and my decisions, that I become my own best friend rather than my bloody worst enemy. That my somewhat cloudy vision is cleared.
Tonight, the eve of, I find myself feeling various shades of anxious.
I'm concerned those demons might be real, and if I confront them, release them, they might be too strong & will eat me up.
Can I just add here we have been playing a few fantasy xbox games in our house and that imagining could be related ;)
I'm worried I won't like who I discover under those layers.
I never use the onion core when cooking, never.
What if my issues, my problems, my dramas are nothing? What if I have wasted all this time worrying on them when they were actually NOTHING?
I have a feeling this could be true, and it might be a good thing. We shall have to find out.
I'm also concerned my family, who on the one hand I am so pleased get to live without me for a few days, will actually enjoy the experience. What if things go wonderfully while I'm away?
The answer to that should be 'fantastic'! Which it sort of is, but it's also sort of WHAT!?
What if the problem is me?
So I'm terrifically excited, terrified, anxious and happy, all in the one.
I will ache for my children, those 5 mornings I'm away from them, but I will also walk each day at 7.30am barefoot on the beach and I will relish every step of it.
See you on the other side...
Monday, January 21, 2013
10 out of 10
We have now loved each other for 10 years.
A decade of laughter and joy, happiness and fun, some sadness, loss, change.
Still the beginning of what is to be a long and loving friendship, connection, romance.
He can still make my tummy flip over. He always makes me laugh. He looks much the same as he always has, with perhaps a few extra grey hairs and slightly (only slightly) a little more tummy.
He is serious, yet silly, strong but vulnerable and he is smart and wise and wonderful.
I am so lucky to have found him. So lucky to have him love me, and for me to love him right back.
He is a kind and patient father, cheeky, warm, understanding. Our kids are so lucky.
He is my best friend, my lover, my ally. We have created in each other a partnership, with our children a family. It's more than I ever dreamt of.
I love his hair, his eyes, his smile. I love to make him laugh, to watch him with his kids, I love his work voice, his strength, his know how. I love him! It makes me smile to write this.
So here is to the next 10 years. And the next. And the next. And so on.
Happy Anniversary JK x
A decade of laughter and joy, happiness and fun, some sadness, loss, change.
Still the beginning of what is to be a long and loving friendship, connection, romance.
He can still make my tummy flip over. He always makes me laugh. He looks much the same as he always has, with perhaps a few extra grey hairs and slightly (only slightly) a little more tummy.
He is serious, yet silly, strong but vulnerable and he is smart and wise and wonderful.
I am so lucky to have found him. So lucky to have him love me, and for me to love him right back.
He is a kind and patient father, cheeky, warm, understanding. Our kids are so lucky.
He is my best friend, my lover, my ally. We have created in each other a partnership, with our children a family. It's more than I ever dreamt of.
I love his hair, his eyes, his smile. I love to make him laugh, to watch him with his kids, I love his work voice, his strength, his know how. I love him! It makes me smile to write this.
So here is to the next 10 years. And the next. And the next. And so on.
Happy Anniversary JK x
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Christmas Cheers
We did it. 10 adults, 4 children, a delicious Christmas lunch and many drinks had by all. Presents, swimming, a few joints, laughter, some tears, love.
Actually when I say some tears that's not quite right. I'd bought 3 candles as a centrepiece for the table and once everyone had sat down to eat I quietly cleared my throat and said something along the lines of "I'd like to acknowledge and remember 3 people who aren't here today, my Dad, Josh's Dad and the beautiful Donno. Even though they aren't here physically, I see each of them in the faces around this table and I feel them in the love and laughter we share together. Thanks for being here."
Between us we were 6 children missing our fathers and 2 wives missing their husbands. 2 kids without Grandfathers and our extra guests were both without partners, one a separated single mother.
When I looked up from my little speech, I'm not much of a public speaker, even in a small group full of loved ones I feel clammy and red cheeked, the entire table had eyes filled with tears, these burly men who are my brothers, those strong women who are our mothers. It surprised me, pleased me and satisfied me. Our pain at losing those men we have loved is still raw, still constant, but the relief at being with one another was great.
The rest of the day was as Christmas should be. Silly, fun, drunk, satisfying. There was no more talk or thought of who we were missing, because we were surrounded by what we have. Family. Friends. Children. Love. Memories, both old and new. It was one of the best Christmases I can remember.
It feels as though we have said an appropriate goodbye to 2012, not the best year, but full of great things. I'm feeling good about 2013, pretty good indeed :)
Actually when I say some tears that's not quite right. I'd bought 3 candles as a centrepiece for the table and once everyone had sat down to eat I quietly cleared my throat and said something along the lines of "I'd like to acknowledge and remember 3 people who aren't here today, my Dad, Josh's Dad and the beautiful Donno. Even though they aren't here physically, I see each of them in the faces around this table and I feel them in the love and laughter we share together. Thanks for being here."
Between us we were 6 children missing our fathers and 2 wives missing their husbands. 2 kids without Grandfathers and our extra guests were both without partners, one a separated single mother.
When I looked up from my little speech, I'm not much of a public speaker, even in a small group full of loved ones I feel clammy and red cheeked, the entire table had eyes filled with tears, these burly men who are my brothers, those strong women who are our mothers. It surprised me, pleased me and satisfied me. Our pain at losing those men we have loved is still raw, still constant, but the relief at being with one another was great.
The rest of the day was as Christmas should be. Silly, fun, drunk, satisfying. There was no more talk or thought of who we were missing, because we were surrounded by what we have. Family. Friends. Children. Love. Memories, both old and new. It was one of the best Christmases I can remember.
It feels as though we have said an appropriate goodbye to 2012, not the best year, but full of great things. I'm feeling good about 2013, pretty good indeed :)
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