Disney disaster

Today we spent 8 hours at Paris Disneyland.
4 of these hours we spent queueing. To get in, for fast pass tickets, to use the toilets, buy food, see characters, go on rides.
It was revolting. The happiest place in earth was more like a heart attack inducing nightmare.
We ate hotdogs for lunch that were encased in a plastic sweet roll with an absurdly long pink sausage, covered in some sort of orange plastic cheese with dried onion over the top. Edible mostly due to severe hunger.
We lined up for 20 minutes to use our 'fastpass' that enabled us to return in 90 minutes to line up again for 20 minutes to ride Thunder Mountain (awesome ride but FUCK! Too much waiting).

There were thousands of people there. Maybe 20000? Summer fucking holidays in Paris. We watched the Grand Parade with most of them, which was exciting for about 3 seconds when the kids actually spotted characters they knew, but otherwise a mosh like crush of tired families trying to squeeze joy out of all the money they spent getting into the place.
I tried hard to enjoy it. Josh & I went on Space Mountain which was super cool, we found an awesome Pocahontas play ground that the kids would have spent all day in if they could, we saw Elsa & Anna from Frozen but FUCK! So much money for so much time queueing. We actually could have gone to a playground & had just as much (more) fun. I wish we had of used our 5th day out of 6 in Paris doing something else. I thought it would be way more awesome than it was. The best part about it was that the kids uncle Nathan came with us and they just fully loved it. He has this wonderful calm & fun nature that especially Leo just lapped up. It was a pleasure to watch my children light up with him.
Next time they will be doing it at a doggone playground though & we will never visit a theme park during school holidays EVER again. Fucking disney .

singapore smugginess

Let's start with Singapore. Amazing skyline, complete efficiency, magnificent hotel room. We got upgraded as our booked room didn't have the kids beds made up : 2 rooms, huge spa bath, 21st floor. We felt like rich folk!

We had one day of sightseeing and delicious food eating, then spent a day at Universal Studios. It was brilliant. The crowds to enter were enormous /terrifying but once we were in the gate : no problems! We splashed out and got 'express' tickets which got us to the front of every queue. Expensive but totally worth it as we only had one day. Favourite rides were the Transformers and The Mummy, although the Madagascar boat ride is pretty cool too and one we could all enjoy. We also hired a stroller which was a fantastic investment considering how much less the 3 year old whinged once she was in it.

We only had 3 nights in Singapore and have agreed we will definitely go back. Such a great place to visit. We spent a few hours at the airport and that was remarkable, so orderly and comfortable. You can recharge your devices, shop & even have a foot massage. Loved it.

Then we got on our Singapore airlines flight. More excellence with our own individual screens, a plethora of movies, TV, music & games to choose from : I was in a state of euphoria. We each had an extra seat & the kids were quiet & happy most of the time. So I invested my time wisely & watched 4 movies! The Other Woman - it was OK but I'd hoped it would be funnier? Divergent - fairly true to the book but totally creepy that the brother & sister were the same actors who played lovers in The Fault In Our Stars. Gross. The Birders Guide to Everything which I absolutely loved! Funny, sad, simple - just a cool film to disappear in for 90minutes! Finally I watched Labor Day which starred Kate Winslet & Josh Brolin - I really liked this one as well, it surprised me and i'm glad I persevered with it.
Eventually we landed in London! But that's a whole nother  story I'll save for next time! 

Mirena

I'm writing this blog about my experiences with the birth control product called Mirena.
It's a plastic IUD that needs to be inserted by a Doctor. Apparently it's more suitable to women who have had babies, which I assume has something to do with a stretchy cervix.
I had mine inserted at about the beginning of 2011. It hurt. I remember squeezing the nurses hand and feeling like I might cry, I was a bit shocked by the pain.
That was the worst of it though. From then on I didn't know it was there. My periods reduced to almost nothing, about 2 days spotting once a month. Amazing, considering since the age of 12 my periods have been violent and bloody 5 day affairs.
The only negative I noticed was sudden flushes of anger, which I can honestly say I had never felt before. I wasn't sure it was related to the Mirena, I actually thought it was more due to parenting 2 children and a severe lack of sleep. I have also gained about 15 kilo since it was inserted, but there are numerous factors that I can attribute this to, mainly my liking of wine and chocolate.
I had almost forgotten about it. They can stay in you for up to 5 years, but late last year my friend decided to have hers removed. We discussed the pro's and con's and for the first time I thought hard about what I had inside my body.
This is what happened. I had it removed by a GP, easy. 24 hours later I'm at the beginning of a monster period, that lasts for about 10 days. I'm surprised I don't pass out from blood loss. There are clots of it, gushes of it, several pairs of underwear thrown away.
I start to keep track, moods, bleeding, ovulating, chocolate binges. This was 6 months ago. I'm back to 4 weekly cycles (Before children I got my period every 4 weeks on a Thursday. It was like clockwork. I knew I was pregnant by about 3.30 on a Thursday before the lines on a test would have been able to tell me). I feel more in control of myself now I know what sort of hormone surges I'm experiencing - in case you're interested I'm particularly irritable during both ovulation and pre period days.
The shittest thing now is my periods. They are FULL ON. The last one lasted 8 days, with 5 days of heavy bleeding. I feel depleted, wounded and gross. In some part, I blame the Mirena. Was my uterus wall just storing up blood & lining all the time it was in me? Or is this my bodies response to not doing things naturally - panic bleeding?
I have searched online for other peoples experiences. It seems a lot of women feel a great deal better after the removal of their Mirena, but I'm not finding any follow up as to how their bodies are coping in the months after it is out. So this is my contribution. Bloody and seeking vengeance.

Sex Ed

Since my eldest child has turned 8 we have hit a new learning curve.
He asks questions about everything. He talks incessantly about footy. He stays up later, uses his manners particularly well.
He and I have watched the first four Harry Potter films and are reading the Philosophers Stone together at night. That is awesome.
Recently he announced at the dinner table that his friend Brad (not his real name) had been watching youtube on his Dad's computer and he saw a video of 2 girls licking a guys doodle (I'm quoting here). There was an awkward pause then Josh hurriedly got up to clear the table and I managed to squeak - Oh. Goodness. That's a bit gross. He agreed with me and no more was said (until later that night when I nearly wet my pants laughing).
So when he innocently asked me in the kitchen recently 'Mum - how do babies get in Mum's tummies?' - I thought, yep, let's do this.
I looked at him carefully and asked 'Are you sure you want to know?'
He replied 'Um...Yes....'
This is what I said
"So a man puts his penis inside the ladies vagina, some stuff called sperm comes out of the penis and meets up with a teeny tiny egg from the woman. Together that makes a little baby, that takes 9 months to grow & then comes out the Mums vagina as a lovely baby."
 I used to hate using the 'correct' terms for our 'rudeparts' but I must admit I'm growing quite fond of saying things to my children such as 'No vaginas without knickers at the table please' and 'No fiddling with penises in front of Mums thank you'. So much more effective than 'willy' or 'fanny' (yuck!).
He looks appalled.
I say "So what do you reckon?' and he says "That is the most disgusting thing ever."
I snort laugh but I am pretty pleased with myself - no awkwardness, just basic and accurate information retelling.
"you might change your mind about that one day" I say
"Yuck Mum! No Way!" he says
I can't help myself. "Well how do you reckon you were made then pal?"
He looks disgusted. Shakes his head and walks away. I wonder whether I should follow up with him, ask him if he has any questions.
5 minutes later he is back in the kitchen. 'I'm hungry' he says. 'Mum did you know West Coast Eagles won their first premiership in 1992?'
And we are all a little bit wiser, but still footy mad.

My Friend Dom

When I was at Uni, maybe 14 years ago, my friend Liza introduced me to a guy she had met at Uni House called Dom. He had been cooking his fish fingers in the shared kitchen and offered to share his long neck of VB with her for dinner.
It was the beginning of a wonderful friendship for our little crowd of ladies and this wonderful man called Dom. He had seriously good op shop style, mostly dressed up with thongs, he wore black rectangular glasses and his eyes twinkled when he looked at you. He was a skinny but very handsome man. Women fell in love with him, easily, but so did men and that was his thing. He loved all of us, but only bedded the men ;)

One night after too many wines and a serious heartbreak (mine) Dom and I slow danced, repeatedly, to Ben Harper 'Another Lonely Day'. He was so comforting, so kind. He made me feel valued, and beautiful. That's not easy to do! But he did it every time I was near him, just because of how he treated me and how he looked at me. Always with love and kindness.
Once we went to a 'Stretch and Strength' class together and toward the end we made eye contact. Bad idea. My nostrils were flaring, my shoulders shaking, tears pouring down my face as I try desperately not to burst out laughing. He had this wonderful cheekiness about him, that was so infectious.
My favourite Dom memory, is a written one, an email I had written to him lamenting my recent weight gain. His was a short reply, but perfect. 'Oh darls, me too - don't worry - I can't even find my penis at the moment'. Oh I loved him for those words.
Last week I was scrolling through Facebook and I saw that several people had posted on his wall. Time slowed down as I read message after message of condolence, RIP, Can't Believe It. Dom had died, suddenly, whilst out for dinner with friends. He was about 37.
The outpouring of grief on facebook has been remarkable. It turns out, unsurprisingly, that Dom was loved by everyone who knew him. There is so much love on his wall it is overwhelming.
I can't write on his wall to join in on the collective grief. Part of me wants to, I want to shout out - I LOVED HIM TOO! But I can't. Instead I wrote his family a card, telling them some funny stories of Dom & I and offering my condolences. It will never be enough. The world is a little less light without Dom in it. I can't bear to imagine how they must feel. But I'm sure they must be comforted in some ways, by all this love that their Dom created. I was so lucky to call him a friend. I will never forget him.

Ms Clare Remembers

I'm 13, it's a sunny Christmas morning and my Dad dies, exhausted and consumed by a cancer that was strong enough to steal this mans life, his future.
I try to forget him, to let him go. It's too much, too hard to remember the good times, so instead my teenage angst and terrible grief leave me with only the sickness, the sadness, the dead father. It hurts, mostly in my heart but often in my head.
But this isn't about losing him, it's about finding him again.
So years later I'm an adult and I'm staring at my now grown brother up brother across the dinner table.
He says - Can you not be so creepy?
I say - Sorry, it's just - do you know who you look like?
And he smiles and says - Well I have been told I resemble a fuller faced Eddie Vedder
And I say - What? No, oh, well, maybe, sort of....No, I mean, you look like Dad.
He looks a bit surprised, then smiles, proud, says - Well that's good.
And I can see that my Dad lives on, here in the face of his son.
Later that year my first child is born. The moment I meet him, I know him. I recognise him. He is of me and I am of him. For the first time in a long time, I feel my Dad, alive, in me, in my child.

Finally, my daughter. This little, amazing girl, who shrieks with joy when she sees her Dad, who welcomes him home each day by barreling into his legs and throwing her arms around him. So I remember what it is, for a girl to love her Dad. She looks at him like he is the best man alive, her strong, funny Dad. And he gathers her up, holds her close and loves her because, for him, she is the best little girl in the world. And I remember. That was me. How lucky I was to be so loved. How wonderful now, to bear witness to it all again.

How good it is, to remember.

(This was a spoken word piece I did last night at Wild Words, an open mike night for writers. It got a wonderful response from the crowd and I am still walking on air a day later! I felt very nervous to read it, for it's truth and it's emotion, but, I'll be honest, I totally nailed it ;))

C.A.M.P.I.N.G

We went camping over Easter. It was excellent, but it did get me thinking.

C - Stands for Crapping. I will not poo with my companions 10 metres away. No way. I will hold that   shit in.

A - Stands for Alcohol. 10.30am - anyone want a beer? Sure. Love one. Cheers.

M - Music. Don't. Not your doof doof, not fucking Redgum, please not Chisel. Just listen to the birds. Seriously. Just birds. Try it.

P - Park, as in Nature Park. Don't leave your fucking toilet paper around. It disgusts me. Burn that shit up. Or drip dry.

I - Itchy. Inebriated. Irritable. Me at about 3.30pm after having my first beer for breakfast.

N - Nap time. Camping is exhausting.

G - Get me home. I'm tired, I'm hot, I'm hungover and I really need to do a poo.

Can't wait to do it all again soon.