Countdown

Four weeks away from giving birth to my second child and it's fair to say I'm a little nervous. I was born a worrier and the thought of a new child to share my love & time with gives me plenty of material with which to worry. What if I don't really like this one? What if I stop liking my other one? It's never a question of love, that is unconditional, it's the day to day operations of being a good person, a good example, a good mother that I worry I can't maintain.

What if this one cries all the time & I don't get enough sleep? I'm a terrible person without enough sleep, terrible. What if it doesn't come out on time (or better yet early) & just grows and grows into a 10 pound monster? I couldn't bear it. I already look like 'I'm about to pop' (as the old ducks like to say) and I don't want to have another big baby, been there done that and I'm not keen to repeat the experience.

Initially I told myself I make big babies because I eat so well & I'm rather 'big boned' myself, I've since come to find that generally you have a big baby if you eat too much food. That was hard to work out. Story of my life. Eat less and you might lose that excess weight that so bothers you....but who wants to be hungry? I really like feeling full after a meal, it's comforting.

Now I come to find I'm making my own children fat, the shame, the shame. If only my mother in law wasn't so thin, and my partner so capable of sustaining himself on 2 meals a day. Imagine only 2 meals a day, it almost makes me sad for him.

It's been too long since I last blogged & I'm going slightly mad waiting for a baby to come. Next week would be great. I've entered that stage where when people ask how I am I think it's a trick question, what are they trying to say? Paranoia, maybe, but any glow I once had has turned into a sullen simmer. 'Not long to go now love?' they ask, everytime they serve me in the supermarket. "no no, hopefully soon' I smile politely & give too much information out to a perfect stranger.

Whats worse- lumbering around for another 4 weeks waiting to meet my baby, or having the baby early & theres no turning back, not to mention the possibility of a mother in law coming to stay and help....but thats a whole nother blog.

School Days

It's Week 8 of my sons first term of preschool, an endevour much more stressful & overwhelming than I ever imagined, but today we've had a break through. He's a serious child, never more so than when we walk in the preschool door to the bedlam that is 20 odd 3 & 4 year old children of many shapes & colours on a Monday morning. Each teacher greets him with a cheerful Good Morning How Are You chant & he responds with a scowl & averted gaze. This is not a trait he gets from me, I prefer to treat most folks as long lost cousins and give them a smile that says 'You've made my day just by being here'.

This morning it was much the same, an excited wait to get in the car for preschool involving much chatter about the things they will do, upon exit of the car the sullen face & concerned eyes. Not a word to be said. However when I picked him up this afternoon his teacher made a point of coming over & asking me was this really my child I'd left here as all day long he had been chatting and playing and smiling(!?!) and even singing this afternoon! What progress! I'm bursting with pride as though she's just told me he's the best child she's ever had the pleasure of teaching in all her 40 years experience. Which possibly he is but I'll keep that a secret between just her and I.

When I was at preschool I remember feeling shy but kind of sucking it up and just getting on with it. I'm coming to see my son is very different to me (huh? really?) in that he bides his time, doesn't be/say/do anything he doesn't feel comfortable with and is just cautious by nature. And I almost envy him for it because I can think of countless times I've just gone along with things so not to rock the boat, that I've tried to be someone I'm not to fit in, that fitting in was so very important to me (and possibly still is?)...and it takes a 3 year old who I would adore regardless to show me what it is to be comfortable & perhaps confident in your own skin.

From the moment I met my son I knew I loved him more than anything and that I was the best person to be his Mum, since then there have been many times I've questioned that, wandering when somebody was going to see straight through me and realise I had no idea what I was doing & my expectations of my child were huge and at the same time so simple. Be happy. Love. Learn. Teach. And thats what he does.

MotherClare

Blog #1. So many thoughts that run through my brain day in, day out, washing dishes, playing snap, washing clothes, tidying rooms....time to put them onto paper, or a computer screen, hopefully touch typing will come easier with time.

I'm the mother of one, a boy, he's 3 and nothing like me. It seems the blood that runs through his veins is almost purely his Fathers, they look the same, act the same & seem to think the same. If it wasn't for my sons slightly sensitive side (slightly? he cried after preschool today when he accidently took the wrong hat?How do I parent that? "Toughen up champ?","Don't worry be happy?", " Whats wrong with you thats not your fucking hat, give it back!") I'd have trouble believing he was mine.

Despite our differences I love him, I'd die for him, I'll protect him & nurture him for as long as he'll let me...and yet within the space of an hour I want to walk away from him throwing a hissy fit in public, walk away & leave him to work his own shit out. Is 3 too young to work your own shit out?

I want to grab his shoulders & shake him and say 'just fucking say hello to someone when they speak to you, just fucking wave at them, respond, do something, don't just ignore them, don't scowl at them. He does this every morning I take him to preschool, scowls at the teachers as they happily say good morning....i'm not ashamed of him, in fact I'm very proud of him it's just that I don't understand where he's coming from sometimes, I don't know why he reacts in certain ways. Its unfamiliar to me and worlds away from how I am, in fact I take pleasure in greeting everyone, shop assistants, people in the street, any stranger will do....maybe he's rebelling already? Maybe I embarrass him, already?! There is a high probability of that happening, I just didn't think it would happen so soon.