Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Angry Mother

12 weeks tomorrow, she's lovely, I keep reminding myself of that, precious, one of a kind, feisty, beautiful. But how she winds me up. Intentionally? Perhaps not. Hard to tell.
Courtesy of no longer being a pot smoker, after being one for many years, it seems I am now able to feel extreme rushes of anger. As a smoker, I had always just presumed I was a chilled out sort of a gal. Not so, apparently that was the THC working its magic and in fact I am prone to feeling rather distressed when under duress.
For example when my tiny child screams periodically at me throughout the day, due to being unable to fall asleep on her own as she finds her mothers arms the perfect place for a quiet nap. Unfortunately, I have many things I both need and like to do during the day, such as make & eat lunch with my son, drive a car, attempt household chores and of course wipe my bum. Therefore it is necessary for me to put my sleeping child quietly down, sometimes in her cot, sometimes on my bed, occasionally on the rocker.
Unfortunately I am perhaps not doing this correctly, as 9 times out of 10 she lets me know I have failed by waking up and screaming at me.
It's not fun for either of us, I feel guilty, hopeless, not to mention annoyed and of course, angry. How fucking hard is it to sleep? Stop acting like such a baby. Oh wait, right, I see.
There are times when I love her fiercely, adore her, she makes me melt and so proud. Then there are moments, short bursts where I'm so frustrated, so crazy with her, so angry.
All that I can do, in this state, in my tired world, where it's all so fucking hard, is turn to music. So I place my little girl calmly in her cot, shut the door and walk away, put my earphones in, ipod on, turn up the volume and enjoy 10 minutes of nothing but music that I love. I have even created a new playlist called 'Maggie' in honour of these times. Filled with tunes that are both heartfelt and emotional. Think Moby 'Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad' or Missy Higgins 'All For Believing'. It makes me a calmer mother, possibly not the greatest mother, but a better mother than I was 10 minutes before.

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