Saturday, November 3, 2012

Sweet Nothings

The last few months have been hot, relentlessly humid and sweaty, the air is thick with bugs, steam and pent up resistance. I hate it. It is a terrible 2-3 months to be in Darwin and the cumulated effects of it tend to play out in a similar manner on myself and most people I know. Shorter tempers. Unhappiness.  Lethargy. Little motivation. A tendency to talk about how hot it is.
We have had a few storms this week, well 2, and they have briefly bought some much needed respite. They are a glorious thing to be amongst, the tropical storm, thunder and lightening, wind and biting rain and cool air. Such sweet cool air.
This post isn't actually about the weather, but I thought it a good introduction into talking about some of my recent madness. I've had a gross 2-3 weeks with weight gain (talk about a first world problem. I'm ashamed of being ashamed about it), family issues and some seriously negative head space. There are times when I think that I am pretty hot shit (in a good way) and others when I can't bear the sight of myself. I want to be anywhere but in my own head because I can't handle listening to the vitriole I spill at myself.
I know the deal. Ignore the negative voice. Make fun of it. Counteract it with something positive. Look for evidence (am I really a pig? How fat does a fat pig have to be anyway? Aren't most pigs fat? Isn't that a good thing?) Would you say such things to your daughter? Your friend? I know, I know.
My negative voice is so familiar to me that I don't even realise it's there anymore. Sometimes I think it's speaking the cold hard truth to me. Often I challenge it, try to defy it, counteract it. But it is a bossy, hard bitch of a voice and it feels stronger than me. I've lived with it for a long time and in fact spent most of my teenage years perfecting and agreeing with it. It's a damn hard habit to shake.
Let's cut this long story short(er). Years ago I read a (at the time - 1999) mind blowing book called Potatoes Not Prozac. The idea that what we eat plays an enormous part in not only our physical wellbeing but also our emotional & psychological health. Since then there has been much written and spoken about this. There is no denying it.
Just a sidenote here. I've written before about how food is such a comfort for me (damn I wish cleaning was, I really do) and unfortunately it's those 'bad' foods that give me short lived joy through eating them - chocolate, icecream, most things high in trans fats and sugar.
Therein lies the key to my successes and failures. The demon that is sucrose, fructose, corn syrup, honey, molasses....sugar. Sweet poison. Empty calories. My frenemy.
I've repeated this pattern many times in my life. Feel upset about something, eat something (usually sweet) to numb the worry. Feel bad about eating something sweet. Crave eating something sweet. Eat more to curb craving. Feel bad for eating more. Worry. Eat. Worry. Despair. Eat.
I've cleared my cupboard /fridge/freezer of everything with excess sugar. I've white knuckled it through the past 48 hours, acknowledging these incredible sweet cravings that are reminiscent of nicotine urges, so strong and overwhelming that they are. Ignored them. Bought blueberries instead. I'm not through it, but holy dooley my head is clearer. Cleaner. I'm looking forward to this next stage. Energy. Not so high, not so low. Kindness, for myself. Acceptance. Good health.
On that note - cheers and good health, I'm off to drink a glass of wine...

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