I have a friend, mostly through facebook, who has been blogging alot lately. She lost her second child at 13 weeks gestation, and now being pregnant for a third time she is being amazingly brave and frighteningly honest as she regularly blogs her fears, feelings, hopes for herself and her family. It's excellent to read and be a part of her journey, my admiration for her has grown, she inspires me to write more openly, to be unafraid of what people might think and try to free myself from the internal dialogue that is so loud, but often so unhelpful.
So here is a little bit of that. Today I had an appointment with some ladies who for the past 40 years have been a part of a 'life changing' seminar called the 'Greatness In You'. I heard about it through a friend of mine (a real one, she's not even on facebook!?) and she is so much of a good quality person that I felt it was something I could look into. It's a 4 day seminar that costs $2800, meals & accommodation included. All personal testimonies say wonderful things and the ladies who run it seem very capable and legitimate. They don't give too much away, suffice to say it involves laying your life up till now out for all to see, with lots of discussion relating to your formative years and a gradual unlayering of your true self, a new sense of purpose, a positive change....
My formative years were wonderful, until I hit puberty. I had a good family, strict parents, but alot of love, good role models, great memories. Then Dad went and got cancer, spent a year dying from it, left us with a Christmas Day anniversary, a grief stricken mother and a ragged memory of what life was and should have been. For me the changes of puberty and the raw grief of a parents death are strictly entwined. My body changed as did my life. I got tubbier, blackheads and a big nose. I still have those things, along with the grief. Not so raw anymore, but still it beats inside of me, makes me who I am, defines me in many ways.
I want to find out who I might have been otherwise. If I still had that childs self confidence, if nothing tragic had ever overwhelmed me and the ones I love. I hope so much that I can find some Greatness in Me. I'm sick of playing out the same patterns, eating too much, drinking too much, wishing tomorrow I might wake up and be different. Better.
My sugar free life didn't last long - how could it have? Wine has sugar in.
My partner has the potential to be very supportive about this, however the $2800 is proving a hurdle to him. There are many things he would rather our money was spent on than 4 day seminars. Too bad my grannys cousin died 5 years ago and I inherited a lovely wad of cash from her so I can pay for this Greatness my self. I do need his support though. I need him to believe in me? Sadly the $600 I spent on this damn 12 week endevour has resulted in a grand weight loss total of 1.5 kilos and a strong sense of disappointment in myself.
All this combined with a Darwin build up, a step-family breakdown, an increasing dependency on the friendship of wine and I'm calling out for help. Not to you, the reader, just to myself. That true self, somewhere in here...